Just thinking

Two years ago today I was in the hospital. CRAZY! We were supposed to be flying to VA for Christmas. I was supposed to be excited about being pregnant....not completely scared out of my mind! I kept thinking, and I'll never forget this, "Its not fair. She's totally healthy inside. If she comes out she will be sick. She didn't do anything wrong. Its my fault, I HATE my body for doing this to her. What if she dies? How do I forgive myself? Will Brett hate me if she dies? Will Brett hate me if something is wrong with her because my body doesn't want to be pregnant? What if I die, what will Brett do? If she is born, how long will she live?" I know that all of those thoughts are completely emotional and very irrational, but they were my thoughts. Even today some of those thoughts go through my head. We've all heard of "mother's guilt" but "preemie mom's guilt" is RIDICULOUS. I wonder when or if it will ever go away?
Skip to last year this time. Maryam was labeled "failure to thrive" AGAIN. She barely weighed 14 pounds, she had basically stopped growing and developing.
Skip to today! Today she is doing things that no one imagined she would ever be capable of! She's walking...no, she's running. She's talking and we can understand her. She's starting to swallow foods and drinks. I could not ask any more for Maryam for this year. She's our little miracle and she proves it daily.